The Grammar Of Sinking

Grief ushers in

like rivers at the break of monsoon;

no warnings,

no lifeboats.

No rain checks either.

It comes all at once.

Before you blink

it has you in a chokehold.

You try to put it to words.

But grief is not the loss of words;

it is the loss

of the meaning of them.

Your throat knots.

Your tongue dries.

You drink water.

It feels no different.

You wish you could erupt

into laments,

into screams,

into torrential downpours.

But the forecast says

overcast skies.

No chance of rain.

So you perspire instead.

Earlobes warm.

Insides parched.

A season

changing inside the body.

The kind that keeps you awake

through the night,

bedsheets damp,

as if the skin erupted

because the eyes could not.

Grief has definitions.

Definitions have boundaries.

And what is bound

eventually runs out

of breadth

and breath.

But what do you call it

when miserable indifference

becomes your primordial instinct?

Not feeling.

Instinct.

Feeling belongs to language.

Instinct belongs to survival.

What do you call it

when sleep each night

feels like sinking

another inch

into an unfathomable abyss,

and morning feels like swimming

towards a shore

in the middle of an ocean

that refuses to move closer?

Every night

the inches add up.

Every morning

you are exactly where you began:

dead centre

of a bottomless sea.

There is rage.

There is pity.

There is loathing.

There is pathos.

And beyond all of it,

hope.

But hope is light.

And when you have lived

with the lights out

for days

and weeks

and months,

sunlight

feels like assault.

Hope is different

for the floating

and the sinking.

Not drowning.

Sinking.

Drowning is sudden.

Sinking

is patient.

Measured.

As if time itself

has decided

to take its time with you.

For the sinking ones,

drowning

is hope.

It refuses

the slow-burning road

to a conclusion.

Befitting or not

is irrelevant.

Some semicolons

are kinder

as full stops.

You wish you could act on it.

The terrain is familiar.

You have been here before.

You have tried before.

But this time

you cannot gather yourself

even for that.

Even when the water

is already at your ears.

Even when letting go

might be the only mercy.

If mercy exists.

So you resist sleep,

because every good night

is another inch deeper

into the abyss.

And yet when sleep arrives

you hope

there will be

no more mornings.

But time

is terribly patient.

And the one thing killing you

is the only thing

keeping you alive.

Your cancer

is your cure.